Thinking Back
by Mi Ling Chi
Summary: An old woman thinks back on her life. Mulan-centric introspective


Hunched shoulders, grey hair, wrinkled skin, and shriveled hands. If one saw her now, they wouldn't recognize her as the girl of her youth. That girl had been beautiful, should-length, silky black hair, flawless skin, nice posture, delicate hands. She had been… youthful. Youthful in more than just appearance, she was youthful in thought as well. Careless, selfless, naïve, trusting, good-hearted. But she had grown, aged, become wise to the world and its tricks. No longer was she naïve and selfless.

She was Mulan of course. If that name doesn't ring bells, perhaps her more common title, the "hero" of China would. She was the woman who rode off to war in a selfless show of love to her crippled father, disguised herself as a man, and fought the Hun army alongside many other men. Nearly single-handedly she defeated the majority of the Hun army, and went head to head with Shan Yu himself. She fought, she won, she was honored, and she returned home.

A year later, she married the general Shang, the man she'd met at war and fell in love with. Shang had been very glad when he realized Mulan was a girl, certain of his heterosexuality.

Mulan was unlike any other girl, and unlike other girls in regards to marriage, she didn't enjoy the typical female chores. Shang was nice and all, very sweet, very loving. He was still a man of his day though, of his dynasty if you so will. He believed she should stay at home and rear their children. He would go off to war like the general he was in the future, and he would expect her stay back and be the good woman. He tied her down, expected of her things she couldn't give unlike her fellow women.

Shang took concubines eventually, when no children from their marriage were forthcoming and he realized just how un-womanlike Mulan was. Their marriage fell to shambles, a sham, no longer a product of love that had formed away in the heat of battle. They were silent, cold to one another. They were seen together only for propriety.

He would be away at war, and she would be riding through the hills on her steady steed. When he would be at home, it would be in his study or in the concubine's chambers. When she would be at home, she would play the concubines' sons in a game of checkers.

Shang eventually fell in love with one of the concubines. Xin Sheng was her name. She was quite the beauty, and youthful in comparison to Mulan's middle age. Mulan didn't blame Shang for falling in love with the concubine. She was still a kind person, a bit toughened by time, but kind nonetheless. She was happy for him in fact. He'd found the wife he had expected out of Mulan, the wife Mulan couldn't be. She handed over all her wifely duties to Xin Sheng. To the outside world, Mulan was the first wife, but within the house of Li, Xin Sheng acted as the first wife.

It was a shame, three years or so after Xin Sheng had taken over, Shang had died at war. The house of Li was in quiet depression for years after that. The village began to act suspicious though. Beady eyes would watch Mulan with hesitation as she passed through the village. Why had the first wife never born a child? Certainly she was worthless as a woman, and that Li Shang had never loved her. With that thought in mind, the village shamed her. People would ignore her; mothers would lead their children away if she was nearby. One time, Mulan had picked up a little girl's dropped doll and offered it back to her, but the child ran away in fear.

Mulan took this in stride though. She didn't allow the villagers' reactions to would her visibly. She held her head up and continued on in her life as if nothing had happened. It hurt though. No one liked her anymore, simply because of who she was at her core. People by this time had forgotten her past heroics. They still recalled the hero of China, vaguely remembered that the hero was a female, but they forgot she was Mulan. Anyhow, would it have had any effect on whether people treated her well with the idea that she was their hero still in mind? Likely not, and Mulan didn't care to remind them of it.

The concubines mostly ignored her. Xin Sheng was still kind though, a friend in the emptiness of Mulan's life by this time. Mulan appreciated it, and reminded Xin Sheng at every chance she got of that. Xin Sheng and Mulan were a team, they were happy together.

Xin Sheng fell ill though, one humid summer eve, and passed three days later in her sleep. The house of Li mourned once more, Mulan more so than any other resident. Xin Sheng had been her saving light, but now the light had been snuffed out. Mulan was all alone in the dark now, no lantern to light her path, no candle to flicker in the distance.

Mulan, now in her fifties, continued on in proud indifference. She took daily rides, but her joints ached now, and she rode a new steed by this time. She was slowing down, but she still had passion unlike any other woman of her age. She traveled far. She would disappear for days at a time, and would return home only when the weather wouldn't let her go any farther.

She grew older, slowed down even more. Her rides didn't last as long anymore, and were no longer as frequent. She would hold herself up in her quarters now, a blanket made by Xin Sheng resting in her lap as she read books only men were supposed to read. She ignored the village altogether, she mostly ignored the other concubines. She was toughened by age, by life. She was stoic, old, wizened though. She wasn't like her grandmother or mother at this age, she wasn't humored by everything, silly in their actions. Her frown lines were deep, and her brow was heavy. The hero of China was nothing more than a poem anymore and the name Mulan was hardly remembered.

Thinking back, it was depressing, but then, could Mulan have expected anything more?


End file.
